I’m really not a man-hater
The young girl asks me in earnest, “So, are you one of those people who have decided to not get married?”
Coincidentally, the very same day, a good friend nags at me, “It’s not that I think you must have a certain future (i.e. one with a man and 2.6 children), it’s just that I think you could.”
I’m compelled to defend myself.
It’s not that I reject the notion of marriage or love. Yet, I think a life that demands and expects no fulfillment without marriage, romantic love or children is a miserable one. Sure, a good life is measured by the love given and received, and of course romantic love is different from familial or platonic love. I know all these. If given a choice, of course I’d like to fall in love again, find my place in a man’s heart, give life to a child et cetera. But…does one really have a choice about it?
It’s not like the other experiences I desire: trekking in Nepal, skydiving, mountaineering, diving with sharks, camping in a desert etc. These, I do have a choice; they are clearly achievable with some money and certain types of physical proficiency. If I put my mind to it, I can make it happen.
To snag myself a man, I could doll myself up more to appeal to these superficial visual creatures called men. I could tone down my sarcasm and cynicism. I could also mingle more with friends of friends or even strangers, to increase my odds of meeting Someone. But…you can lead the horse to water but you cannot make it drink.
If there is no love, everything else is moot. But I cannot plan or pay for someone to love me. I also cannot fall in love on demand. It’s not within my control.
Have I decided that I therefore will never marry? Of course not. But is it something I’m actively pursuing? No. Because short of accepting that it’s ok to marry without love, this is one of those things I can wish but cannot fight for.
Does that mean that I’m destined to lead an unfulfilled life? No, because within my means, I will still live life to its maximum capacity. Loving my niece. Being a mentor. Celebrating life in every little way. It’s not a placid life, with or without a husband and children. I will still have my adventures. I still love to my heart’s content, even if I’m not in love.
Is it hard to understand? I simply don’t believe I should demand and rest my entire life’s happiness upon something beyond my control.