Too proud to fail
I attempted to wakeboard today.
My arms and body, generally speaking, didn’t work so well together. Let’s just say I was a splashing success in…making spectacular splashes. It’s hardly a surprise, of course, I know I should not over-estimate my ageing(!) and under-exercised body. But you see, everytime I try something new, I experience this strange surge of optimism, hoping that I actually have a hidden natural talent and this is it. Like I would miraculously be able to make triple somersaults in the air at my first try, who knows. Today, I got nowhere near somersaults. In fact, I could barely get off my ass. Disappointment with a capital D and a few Fs.
It reminds me of my diving — the first couple of times I went diving, I was so bad at it that I hated it. I hated my mask fogging up. I hated that the air in the tanks was so dry that I wanted to cough but couldn’t (underwater). I hated drifting away in the current and feeling helpless and scared. I felt like an utter failure - how is it that the others could move so effortlessly through the water and have enough mental energy to look for little critters between rocks and corals, when I am still struggling to just breathe without choking? What’s wrong with me?
But look at me now. I love diving. I’m so comfortable underwater now that I am even able to take photographs. To some extent, I have to thank GD for forcing me to dive. Particularly when I was reluctant and secretly resentful that he made it sound so easy, dismissing my fears and worries so confidently and carelessly.
Wakeboarding feels similar - the same sinking frustration of being a failure. But this time, there’s no one to push me. There’s no need for anyone to - strangely enough I feel more upbeat and driven about wakeboarding after today than I’ve ever been. I want to do this. I know I suck at it, but I am going to practise and at some point I am going to get it. And when I do get it, I am going to love it and all the seawater ingestion will be worth it.
More importantly, c’mon, I know that I have no hidden talent - my strength is in being stubborn and too proud to fail. Pwahahahaha!