Nov
6
2008
Brainstorming
I have thought of new alternative ways to spice up my life.
(By the way, I’m still insulted that no one seems to think I can sustain a torrid illicit affair with a married man. You guys KNOW that I’m capable of liking those married ‘uns!)
- Moonlight as a Hooters waitress. Might as well do it when I’m (relatively) young and my perky bits still (relatively) erm perky. The Hooters girls are on declining standards much like the SQ girls, if you know what I mean. At some point, the scale is going to get within reach.
- Learn to rap freestyle, in Mandarin. Apparently the hip thing amongst Taiwanese youths these days. I could learn to do it very badly just to piss people off. Why not.
- Adopt a child. My friends support me in this. It just seems a little wrong to adopt a child simply when one is bored though. Much like buying kittens/puppies for Christmas. It disturbs me. [NB: How is this different from the earlier option of getting married and having my own children? Well there's more opportunity for deep regret in the latter (e.g. when one is 8 months pregnant and standing on the jerky train, or when Husband is snoring like a walrus in heat) so karmically speaking, I would be punished and I accept that. Adoption just seems too easy. This logic seems convoluted but really it can be easily explained by the likelihood that I'm masochistic.]
- Quit my job and learn to lead a hobo life. I have a standing invitation at a train yard in Iowa, apparently. (Z, I’m looking at you!)
- Take up dog psychology. It’ll at least tell me conclusively if my dog is actually a real bimbo, or just smart enough to play dumb.
- Learn to bake. (As in for real. Not Betty Crocker style.) The only downside is that I don’t have an oven. So I actually need to first procure an oven. Oh sorry, there’s a second downside. I’ll probably get fat.
- Become a taxi driver. How cool would that be! I’d get to refuse passengers who are too ugly, blast Jay Chou songs in my cab all day long and shush anyone who dares complain! If it’s a good day, I might even throw in a couple pieces of unsolicited advice on fashion, religion (see below), Malaysian politics, dental hygiene and HIV testing.
- Start a cult. Central to my cult teachings would be aether and its omnipresence. It knows everything that you do. It is in your ears. It holds the light that your eyes think they see. Fear it. Kowtow to it. Every once in while, bring the cult leader some tea please.